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The languages of love – how I realised my love tank needed filling up

We overfeed ourselves, but are starving at a cellular level

Something happened to me recently that reminded me of the importance of the 5 Languages of Love – and it got me thinking about how a lack of the right kind of love manifests itself and what you can do about it. Let me explain….

Since starting up my business, I have wanted to be featured in Muddy Stilettos (, a brilliant local guide that started as a fantastic blog covering Buckinghamshire and Oxfordshire, and that has now grown into a multi-territory UK franchise. When Hero, the editor, agreed to have a treatment with me to then write a review of my services, I should have been elated.

But I was terrified. What if she wrote something negative? What if a negative review destroyed my business in the local area? What if my services just weren’t her thing?

I felt so anxious about it that I nearly cancelled the appointment. But I thought about what an opportunity I’d be passing up if I cancelled, so I took a deep breath and went ahead.  On the day I was incredibly nervous, determined not to say or do the wrong thing. But as we settled into our counselling work, I forgot that Hero was here to review my services. She simply became another client with whom I connected on a deep level.  After our Reiki work, we even had a mini life planning session on the doorstep as we said our goodbyes. All my nerves had faded away. I could just be me.

A few months later, her review appeared. It was brilliant and I could not have been happier. When I read her kind words, it felt like it was my wedding day.  I was buzzing! I hadn’t realised how much I needed someone to tell me that I was doing a good job.  That’s when it hit me: my love tank needed topping up.

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Do you feel stuck in a rut?  Here’s how to get out...

We overfeed ourselves, but are starving at a cellular level

Feeling stuck in a rut is overwhelming, confusing, draining and extremely stressful.  Sometimes its hard to imagine how we will ever get out of it.  

The human ‘hierarchy of needs’ is a useful, simple and highly effective tool to help us understand why we are stuck, and how to move on.  The diagram below shows our needs in order of priority (with our essential requirements shown at the bottom of the pyramid).

Unless those most basic of needs are met, we simply cannot reach the higher levels of self-fulfilment.  And once we have reached a level, we may not always remain there.

MOVING THROUGH THE LEVELS:  We can find ourselves moving down to the lower levels at certain times in our lives, as our minds  may unconsciously abandon the level we are on in order to meet the lower needs.  

For example, a major life event such as a redundancy, or a divorce may mean we have to refocus on our financial affairs and find a new home. A feeling of financial and domestic security are the essential building blocks of the pyramid.

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As human beings, we have a fundamental desire to ‘belong’

We overfeed ourselves, but are starving at a cellular level

The human race has evolved over the centuries, living in tribes and to this day, we still need the sense of safety we get from our ‘tribe’ of friends or family. We fear rejection and can find it difficult to cope with being alone.   

It is so important not to underestimate this profound human need.  Ultimately a feeling of ‘not-belonging’ can lead to a sense of loneliness or inferiority, which in turn can have a direct impact on our self-esteem.  At one point or another we’ve all experienced a desire to fit in and be accepted by others.  It helps us see value in life and cope better with life’s many hurdles.

Some of us meet this need by joining a church, taking up a social hobby, or spending time with family and friends. Social media can also help us feel connected with others (but digital interactions can never replace human ones).  However, many of us experience emotional and physical loneliness throughout our struggles to discover our sense of belonging. 

We may even end up trying to mould ourselves to suit someone else’s expectations, and consequently lose our own sense of who we really are.   We need to accept that ‘belonging' is about having the courage to join in with others, whilst staying true ourselves.  We should not have to adapt our behaviour to constantly try and please others.


I want to share my own personal ‘belonging’ story with you.  I grew up in France but moved to England over 22 years ago and in order to fit in, I had to work very hard indeed to learn English and build a new life here.

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How strong is our inner critical voice

It's about the journey ...

Our critical inner voice can have a devastating effect on us, leading to low self-esteem and a debilitated self-image.

It’s important to take a moment to reflect on how strong a critical inner voice we have.  Are we permanently berating ourselves for our guilt, our shame, our wrongdoings - and how does this make us feel?   

A critical inner voice is a bit like poison ivy, invading us on the sly and then attacking, blaming, comparing and criticising.  It can be abusive and judgemental, leaving us with the overwhelming feeling that we are not good enough.  We may listen to it for so long that we come to believe that we are fat, stupid, selfish, unlovable, ugly (or whatever it maybe telling us).  We may even start to think that this is how others perceive us too!

Listening to this voice could be the only way we know to try and become ‘A Better Us’, or perhaps it's learnt behaviour from our childhood. Either way, we can become so accustomed to the negative things it tell us that our mind may believe what we are hearing.

Enough is enough! Now is the time to stop inflicting this pain upon ourselves, and to replace this old destructive habit with a useful new one.  But how…?

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It’s the journey that’s important, rather than the ultimate destination

It's about the journey ...

We all have dreams.  Some of us dream big, and others dream small.  Either way, dreams and goals are a very important part of all of our lives.

We often link our happiness to achieving these goals, and they have a significant impact on our self-esteem.  

For example, the day we feel like giving up, and then pull ourselves together and carry on, is the day we develop a strength we didn't know we had within us.  This strength never leaves us, and we build on it day after day and week after week.  It is this journey towards our goals which so often help us to develop into a better person.

So whatever our dreams may be, the journey will be worth it.  

Whether we aim to lose a few pounds, start a new career or travel the world…with a small leap of faith we can start our journey today and start working towards our goals.  

And when we get there…then what?  That's the time to take a while to enjoy our accomplishment, to live in the moment and to enjoy the benefits.  It’s so important to recognise our own progress, to look back at our journey and see just how far we've travelled.  

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